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"To Be at Ease (Without You)"

  • renie simone
  • Apr 17, 2019
  • 3 min read

I went looking for you last night. I wanted to find you, and tell you something. Down windy roads, I wandered away from the city lights. I thought I would find you where no one would dare go. Where danger did not find you, but instead, you found it.

With my back to the setting sun, my face in the dark, I marched. By the time I reached the park, I had forgotten what I wanted to say to you. The words escaped my tongue. In defeat, I fell to my knees. The grass blades folded under pressure, as I sank with them.

The ground murmured a sort of melody, like a mother’s chest. It soothed my thumping heart, and they slowly harmonized. I could hear the late-night city traffic in the distance–like static through a broken speaker.

The sun had completely disappeared and taken every drop of light with it–leaving me with nothing but blackness. It was still. Even the city traffic escaped with the sun. The cold air pinched my skin like tiny daggers. My body felt numb and heavy. The sounds of nightfall grew until every creature was singing along–serenading their lovers-to-be. My head bobbed to the rhythm of the night.

There was nothing to focus my eyes on. I could barely see my fingers as I waved them in front of my face. It was more than uncomfortable, but the soft grass and relaxing grumbles of the earth made me feel tranquil and content. I am not afraid, I told myself.

The grass grew icy cold. My hands at my side felt the droplets fly between blades of grass. I stood up before I was drenched.

With no destination in mind, since I couldn’t see a thing, I carefully strolled to where I was sure to find a bench. My toes hit the edge of the path, and I followed it. The path was gritty so I shuffled my feet to feel the grains rubbing under my soles. The sound seemed unnaturally loud, but if you were somewhere in the darkness, you could hear me and come.

I found a bench and leaned back. My thighs winced at the bitterness of the hard metal. The air felt weightless here compared to the ground. I sat and looked for something to catch my eye. Stars began to reveal themselves as thin clouds drifted away. Soon enough, the sky was filled with varied yellow specks of light.

I always made sure to find Cassiopeia in the sky. That way, I knew where I was and she’d save me if I didn’t. Sometimes I’d make my own constellations. Northwest of the tip of Ursa Major is a set of stars that I thought looked just like a bicycle.

The moon crept into sight. I could just make out a long line of tall, pointy trees around me. I felt uncomfortably small and exposed. The higher it climbed into the sky, the lighter my limbs seemed to be. My sight came into focus with the moon’s light and I saw a river of dew blanketed across the park. The soft glow bounced off tiny wings as they fluttered from branch to branch.

My mouth must have been wide open as I watched, because I could taste an earthy crispness in the atmosphere. My teeth chattered before I noticed. My nose picked up the fumes of leaves and dirt. On any other night, I might have found it nauseating, but this time, I found it rather comforting.

As night transformed into crystalling day, I realized you were not hiding in the dark–at least not there. Were you looking for me in the city; or did you find danger elsewhere? I suppose it’s just as well since I had forgotten what was so important to tell you.

A long night of over-thinking. Sound familiar to you?

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© 2019 by Renie Simone​

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